Chicago

In the news, it was announced that Chicago scientists discovered a 2,500 year old Egyptian coffin. When they opened it, they discovered the mummy was holding 21,100 absentee ballots for candidates in the 2014 mid-term elections.

Apparently, the African-American community organizer who was in the coffin was on his way to deliver the ballots to the supervisor of elections when he was detained by racist police officers. Democrats claim that a recount that includes these ballots would ensure that they retain control of the Senate. They claim that every vote should count, and it is wrong to disenfranchise the Africans who cast the absentee ballots, and to do so would violate their constitutional rights, or something. Eric Holder has initiated a Department of Justice investigation into any potential civil rights violations.

"Records show that more than 80% of mummies are black. This disproportionate number of mummies is further illustration that white privilege is alive and well in this country," said Holder, "Rest assured, we will not rest until black men in America can feel safe from being mummified."

Protesters stood outside the field museum, chanting "No mummies, just votes."